Seasons

Life doesn’t often go like we expected. Change is constant, in the world around us and within ourselves, and everyday we face the challenge of navigating our ever-evolving realities. Join me as I reflect on some of the changes and challenges I have faced in my own life.

You know this one. Like I just said, life doesn’t always go quite like we expected or planned. Sometimes circumstances beyond our control disrupt our plans. In March 2020, I was halfway through the first year of my associate degree. Covid hit. Classes were moved online. In August 2021, I completed my degree. I never went back to classes on campus. My school had begun to transition back, but none of the classes I needed to complete were offered in person.

Sometimes outside circumstances disrupt our plans and expectations. But sometimes we ourselves disrupt our expectations. We react to a situation differently than we thought we would. We discover new things about ourselves as we grow. It’s tricky, the relationship between the outside and the inside, our circumstances and our response to them. I’ll go back a little way. Maybe a long way. Growing up, I had such a clear vision of what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be – creative and independent, a wild free spirit ready to be unleashed upon the world. I was always shy and nerdy, but art gave me an opportunity to express myself, un-judged and unreserved. It was a place without limits. And that was how I envisioned my future – full of freedom and adventure.

As I grew up more insecurities crept in. I started to compare myself more to others. I knew I wasn’t effortlessly charismatic or wildly fashionable. I also learned new things about myself. I got involved with a great youth group and later started my first job. I realized I actually enjoy working as part of a team in a structured environment and interacting with co-workers and customers (something that didn’t quite fit into my independent “freedom and adventure” vision). I came to understand the value of connection, especially in the context of biblical community. High school wasn’t always easy (is it ever?) but I grew a lot and gained some great relationships.

After graduation, I took a gap year, worked, and finished the first draft of the novel I had begun in ninth grade. I stayed involved in the small college ministry at my church. In August 2019 I started classes at a local technical college. I learned, stressed between assignments and retail shifts, and tried to build new relationships with a moderate degree of effort and corresponding success.

March 2020. Classes moved online. Church moved online. I was homeschooled my entire life before college, so working from home wasn’t totally new for me. I settled into a different sort of grind. Work, video meetings, projects. Uncertainty. Seasons of optimism and downward turns. Summers that didn’t feel like summers. Moments of beauty, learning to see things in new ways. And isolation. Even before the pandemic, ever since high school graduation, my sense of community was slowly slipping away. I wasn’t great about keeping up with friends who went off to school or building new relationships. The college ministry at my church dwindled as other members stepped into new seasons.

Looking back, I see there were a few connection points God placed in my life during the pandemic that I’m extremely grateful for. I was able to keep going to work and interact with customers and coworkers there. I was involved with the tech team at church and got to meet on Sundays with a small group of others to help livestream services. And I stayed connected with my classmates and professors through video calls, sharing and critiquing each other’s work. In the midst of these, though, I didn’t experience strong community like I had before.

Sometimes our circumstances trap us. But sometimes we are trapped in ourselves.

I finished classes in August 2021. And then there was the grand question – now what? Structure, boundaries, are a funny thing. We push against them, we want to break through them. We begin to feel trapped. Sometimes our circumstances trap us. But sometimes we are trapped in ourselves. And this can be harder to see, harder to acknowledge. So often it feels like things are just happening, and you are just trying to stay afloat in the midst of it all. Or things aren’t happening, things that should have happened by now. We long for change, we know things need to change, but we are comfortable where we are. Inside the boundaries, it’s safe. It’s familiar. We want to stay there.

That has been the past year for me, really. Wondering, afraid to take next steps, afraid to ask what those steps should be. I’m discovering I’m maybe not as adventurous as I always thought I was, at least not in the ways I imagined. It’s scary when your future suddenly becomes your present. I am slowly learning to acknowledge and move forward. God has given me some first steps, new opportunities and relationships. I joined a young adult group in September and have begun to regain a sense of community.  There are still so many, too many, unknowns. And responsibilities. But you can’t have the good parts without the hard parts.

So, I guess the point of all this is, if you have no clue what will happen next, what should happen next, you’re not alone. If you’ve spent a lot of time trapped in your circumstances, trapped in yourself, you’re not alone. If you’re discovering new things about yourself, if you’re a different person than you thought you’d be now, you’re not alone. We go through seasons – periods of rest, periods of turmoil, periods of change.

And the thing is, no matter how much we feel like we need to, we don’t need to have it all figured out. God just calls us to trust Him, to listen and walk with Him. Which seems scary sometimes, because we like to be the ones in control. And it’s a journey, step by step, every day. But He is the one who empowers us, who never leaves us. And He is enough.